Have you ever felt like quitting after pursuing something without achieving the results expected ?
I.e from the most foundational life source ( my life ) , other peoples lives (family), personal relationships with others or things , career choices , and simply being able to obtain a desired Breakin' move I have been working on.
"(exhale, next Breathe) , (mental recognition) I experienced it ..."
At every next moment my repeated friendly reminder is to Be able to reel myself in and organize the natural order of moments / chaos. I reflect on moments with individuals who communicated a message that struck a pause for me to listen more
( time seems to freeze and then I breathe again)
, such as
" we have stages in our life " " everything we need to learn happens in kindergarten " " time heals all wounds ".
I Accept the functions of my curious brain, to Listen to other people and what they share with no judgement . While tears run down my face because of my mixed emotions , I Polaroid ( capture ), the moment and move in the moment affirming it is a new moment to breathe and express freely with no harm. Knowing there is no wall solely the illusion I have set myself .
The idea and duality of: People , Family , Unity , Separation, Extreme shock, Happiness, Sadness, Anger, acceptance of Communication, Lies, Truths & the Pursuit to better all these moments, has always been a recurring cycle and matter embedded in how I am.
My most recent impressionable moment was choosing to separate my self from environments that my physical and mental well being were at jeopardy ( being around certain family members : from immediate family to extended family (community of friends ))
For the Last 3 years while in the middle of a one sided feuding divorce, my home locks were illegally changed, & to avoid all conflicts I have went from resting at friends and families locations, to living out of my car for the last 2 years and a half. This all While being present for my son daily, still paying my half of the rent to the landlord , & explaining to my son that for our well being staying faithful to self preservation is the moment we are both enduring because this whole process of divorce is not my personal choice nor even thought.
Rumination of previous experiences and my constant will to want to hold on to these relationships is always at a clash. Balancing the duality, of my perception and someone else's interpretations and communication does not seem to be reciprocated. I used to accept other peoples' behaviors. At one point I Believed constant communication and sweeping under the rugg previous experiences solidified our true positive relationship because the value of Our human personal relationship is greater and these moments mark another positive evolution in our relationship. However this acceptance leads me to realize I am setting my emotions up to be hurt once again. Realizing as open minded and non judgmental I work on being , not Many people that ARE my family and friends are the same with me .
I've noticed Relationships go out the window after others seem to label me, for the thoughts I share and for actions such as abruptly separating myself from instances that don't resonate well with me, to then even being ridiculed.
Learning to be experimental at different moments when my circumstances change has help me see that no matter how I was or am with someone the moment something clashes with THEIR belief the idea to hold onto certain relationships ceases and the want to remain in a relationship is not reciprocated as I have always done.
This leads me to realize that I have an INSECURITY TO WANT TO SATISFY OTHER PEOPLE especially family and friends before myself. Being unaware that my present action or no action may have triggered a prior experience in someone without us knowing is now reflected on me. Coming to terms that the reality of other peoples actions are a product of their experiences & thinking has been a valuable lesson. As we, each and every Human is Responsible with how we deal with an emotion that arises in us. Sometimes our emotions come from a gut feeling and other emotions come from a previous experience.
However either way as I realize that I wake up , I remember to keep showing up, & keep making it happen
This becomes consistency and unfolds another mindset of thoughts captured that :
I by my ability to change my environment
and by my ability to change my perception of the environment
have the ability to control
my genetic activity ,
and process of things occurring
to problem solve effectively
As soon as I believe that what is occurring to me
is happening from a place of love and evolution
my perception, body , and moment
will be where I need be
So I give thanks to the healing gift
in being present
So it is !
This is a lifestyle , NOT a gender, a move , a competition, or a means to an end , the only prize in how I value my life and moments in them is my well being.
*Stand by for more*
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